I had an interesting conversation with my 16-year-old daughter last night. She informed me that the reason I cannot find a date is because I have low self-esteem. She said that I have allowed myself to live too much in the past, and that I keep allowing my ex husband to still have control, by reliving all the bad things he did to me. She also told me that I needed to snap out of it and do something for myself. That it was time for me to take care of myself and be happy. Needless to say I was floored by what she had to say, and as I started to protest she gave me that look that only a teenager can give you. ”What do you mean” I asked her, “I do not live in the past” which to her seemed like a pretty lame response. ”Mom” she said giving me the raised eyebrow, head tilted to the side look, “you do”. As I looked at her I had to admit she was right, I do sometimes relive the past. There are times when a phrase or song will stir a memory I thought had been long forgotten. I’m sure everyone has had those moments, when a smell or song can take you back. Sometimes the memory is a good one, and sometimes they are not so good and should remain forgotten. I have had a lot of great moments in my life and some not so great ones. I had been in a marriage that left me somewhat broken and unsure of myself, I gained a lot of weight and I felt trapped. Somehow I found the strength to pull myself up, get myself out of the bad marriage and try to find my footing again. My three children have all grown up to be beautiful, responsible, hard-working adults, well two are adults and my 16-year old only thinks she’s an adult. However, she is right, I have to let go of the past and focus on my future. I have to find that girl I used to be who thought that anything was possible. It’s going to be a struggle but I’m up for the challenge, I hope. The only question is this, at age 57 is it possible to find yourself again and can you be happy with who you find? What if the girl you used to be is dead and gone, what do you do then? I always hear people talk about reinventing themselves, is it as easy as they say? What if my time has past and I’ve given too much of myself and can’t get it back? What if…..?
